ALWAYS listen to yourself, always

I read somewhere that the name “ladybug” was coined by European farmers who prayed to the Virgin Mary when pests began eating their crops. After ladybugs came and wiped out the invading insects, the farmers named them “Beetle of Our Lady.” This eventually got shortened to “lady beetle” and then “ladybug.”NASA even sent a few ladybugs into space with aphids to see how aphids would try to escape in zero gravity.

Only one thought came to my mind: a ladybug — it’s not just a symbol of luck, it’s a little fighter, showing us how to face things. You know, every now and then, I catch myself thinking about the actions I’ve taken, or the ones I should have. Usually, that process takes a long time, and it makes me feel like nothing is really happening. Sometimes I even feel like I’m not putting in enough effort into something I thought I really wanted.

But after moving abroad, after coming here to my little Walnut Creek, I started to see things a little differently. I realized that the process of life is unexpected, and even if you’ve made a five-year plan, that doesn’t guarantee anything.

I’m not a planner, so that idea never meant much to me. But what if I actually am a planner? I mean — aren’t we all, in some way?

Today, April 9, while I was walking my usual route, a little ladybug flew onto my shirt. I grabbed my phone right away to immortalize the moment — typical, I know!

For the past few days, I’ve been thinking about how I want to structure this post — something about believing in yourself. I even Googled what that phrase really means (as if I don’t already know?). And then this tiny creature landed on me, and suddenly, my thoughts shifted in the opposite direction. At first, I wanted to share how I ended up here, how I let my inner feelings guide me through life. But after that ladybug moment, my perspective changed a little. Maybe the ladybug was reminding me that Lent is almost over, Easter is just around the corner, and spring — well, spring has officially sprung. The world is buzzing. And yeah, it’s been crazy forever, but somehow, it keeps going. It’s going, and it will keep going. That’s the process of life.

But where are we in all of that?

Where is our ladybug when the plan suddenly changes course?
Where are we then?

I’m not trying to scatter gold along the road. What I’m really trying to do is catch myself in the moment — in that space called face it, lady… but keep the spirit. What else does believing in yourself even mean?
It’s not some scientific explanation.

It’s a sign.
Something — or someone — you accidentally find along the road. Or maybe, it finds you.
Like that tiny ladybug.
It picked me.

Do I believe it’s going to bring me luck?
Of course! But do I also know I have to fight for that luck?
Yeah, that too.

It’s always here and there. It’s never black or white.
Some days are gray.
But some are yellow and green.

I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t cut off a part of myself.
But was it worth it?
More than I could’ve imagined.

Am I still thinking about and missing my old habits?
Yes. Sometimes, I miss everything. But what I feel — or what I wanted to feel — or what I used to feel…
It’s constantly changing.

That reminds me of dough.
Dough changes its structure the moment you combine water and flour.
Maybe that’s why I love making bread?

It’s never a finished process.
It’s always circulating — rising, falling back — always changing.

So yeah… maybe it doesn’t matter if the present looks different than what you imagined.
As long as you have faith in yourself, does anything else really matter?

You’re moving.
And that’s what counts.

So there must be something graceful in that little bug.

That’s luck, isn’t it?

It’s finally a real sunny day today.
It’s still spring, but it feels like summer.
That’s how it is here. Maybe that’s why the ladybug just flew — out of nowhere — and landed right on my t-shirt while I was walking.

sip of mery